Hey, Y’all. I hope you have your coffee ( or beverage of choice) ready and a comfy seat because this is going to be a (semi) long one. I’m going to unload all of my struggles, all of my guilts and setbacks and then I’m going to embrace with y’all my truths.
I’ve been in a hard season of life. I’ve never felt more confused and empowered all at the same time. I lost myself in motherhood, I found out who I am is not the same person I was 8 months ago or even 2 years ago. I lost myself in motherhood, but I wasn’t just lost. I was consumed.
I was so set on trying to be the perfect stay at home mom I lost interest in the very things I used to be so passionate about that they were part of who I was. I stopped blogging, and when I did on occasion it was all about being a mother. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a mama. It is one of my favorite things. I live for my daughter, she is my entire universe.
But I never expected it to make me forget who I was. I couldn’t tell you the last time I picked up a book or went to get my nails done. I can’t remember going shopping for myself and NOT getting something for Emilia anymore. I found my self so entrapped in being a mom I forget how to be myself. And that scared me.
Would I never find joy in the little things I used to? Would I never have time for me and only me? And I haven’t even mentioned how my relationship had suffered for a short time or how I couldn’t remember the last time I got ready just to feel good.
I was stuck and didn’t know where to turn or how to overcome this funk I had stumbled into. So I prayed, and then I cried and I cried some more until I had a long, and I mean LONG talk with myself. I wrote down my fear, my struggles, my guilts. I dumped everything I had into a journal and I can’t remember the last time I had done that either. Years maybe. But it felt so GOOD.
And after all that I read back over it a few times and then I laughed and cried for what felt like ages. I’m not a bad mom because my daughter has screen time so I can do the dishes. I’m not a bad mom because I co-sleep still. I’m not a bad girlfriend because our daughter has to be put first sometimes. I’m not a bad homemaker because I choose to order Chinese takeout over cooking dinner one night. And I am not a bad person for wanting to put myself first every now and then.
I was so caught up in trying to be this perfect person and she doesn’t exist. So what if I haven’t picked up a hard copy of a book? I read through my kindle on my phone. And maybe I haven’t had my nails done in a while but that’s fine too. And I love shopping for Emilia when I go for me! All the matchy matchy until she tells me no!
I was so upset for no reason it’s laughable. I can’t believe I let that happen. But it did and It was such an eye-opening learning experience I just had to share it. Because maybe one of you feel the same way.
I thought I lost myself in motherhood. But really, I’m not the same girl I used to be, she was lost to me long before I became a mother and I didn’t even know it. Life is all about balance and sometimes when new things happen it can take a while to find it. I didn’t even realize I had mine. I was so worried about not being who I used to be I failed to realize the woman I have become is so much happier than the girl I was.
I thought motherhood had consumed me but I was wrong, motherhood took me by the hand and showed me who I was meant to be. I still love all the things I used to, but now I have someone so special to share that with.
But I am also more than a mother. And that has been the hardest mountain for me to climb. I stopped being everything but a mom and that was when I suffered. Because, yes I am a mama and a proud one. But I am so much more. I’m a lover and a sister and a daughter and a friend. I am a true crime addict who likes the occasional cocktail and taco Tuesday.
I’m a homebody and a homemaker. I love a good organizational video even if I am the least most organized person I know. I love paper planners and pretty flowers. I like a yummy cup coffee and am doing my best to be more sustainable and help the earth heal.
I am a person, who has feelings and likes and dislikes and yes I am a mom.
I forgot that I could be more than one thing and now that I’ve overcome this mountain that was in my way I’m learning and I’m healing and I am so so happy.
Lots of love from the Tar Heel State,