Coffee Date NO. 3

February 13, 2018

Hello friends. Im back with another coffee break and if I am being honest with
 you I almost didn’t sit down and write this. It has taken two days to put this together and for a post that isn’t internally wordy you may not understand why.

I had started this post on Sunday and I had only been home long enough to take of my make up and climb into bed. As of right now its 9:30 p.m. on a Monday night and Im trying to finish it up so it can go live 

This weekend has not been the best time for me. I feel like I’m complaining right now, and while that is not my intention I’m a bit sad. I knew this day was coming. We had been preparing for it for months. But as I helped clean and pack bags, as I kissed goodbye for the last time for months I still can’t help but realize that no amount for prep work will ever truly see you ready for this day. 
Deployment snuck up on me even though I have know it was coming. Strange isn’t it. How we don’t think about the things we aren’t looking forward to and the when they are finally here we feel like we’ve been blind-sided by them?

The week leading up to today has seen more tears than I thought myself capable of producing. They tell you all the time it will be hard, the long months with little to no communication, the worry and missing them, the sleepless nights and heartache. But the one thing thats always left out is how hard it is to walk away after saying goodbye.

I managed to hold myself together. At least in front of the others. I teared up when I had to let go so he could walk away and get on the bus. I couldn’t stay long enough to see them pull away. I sat in my car and did my best not to sob. He needed me to be strong because if I broke down so would he.

I managed to make it all the way home before I lost it. The house was too quite and his things were no longer spread all over the place. There was no music or video game sounds. The bed wasn’t already unmade and the shower wasn’t running. I think it was in that moment where it was just too quite that I broke down.

It feels like the weight of the world and then some came crashing down upon me and all I could do was take the burden. My phone kept ringing with texts and phone calls of people asking me how I was handling things. I wanted everyone to understand the more they asked the more I cried.

But I’m determined to stay strong and not let this deployment get the worst of me. I have plans and goals that I have set for these upcoming months and I am going to try my hardest to see them through.

I have a wedding to plan, schooling to do, house hunting, and now looking for places to stay near the base Matthew is stationed at. There are so many things that need to at least be in the process before he gets home and I know have all the time in the world to do them it seems.

But I still miss him. And I will continue to miss him everyday until he is home and in my arms again. Because like I have mentioned before, everything feels to quite and empty and wrong with him gone. BUT, don’t ever let my moping trick you into thinking I am not proud of what he does. I am more than proud and honored to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I’m just a little sad and I miss him…

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